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The Secret Life Of Dog Owners: 12 Crazy Things Only WE Understand
June Jasper
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Dogs are lucky – they get to be cute, slobbery freeloaders while we humans handle all the dirty work. Literally. From puddles on the kitchen tile to mysterious brown treats cheekily deposited on the bedroom carpet, dog owners spend half their lives playing poop patrol.
Then there are the 5am “I gotta go” barker alarms, the shredded paperback formerly known as your favorite novel, and the eternal fight against muddy pawprints on the couch. At a certain point, you resign yourself to the fact that dog hair is just another lunch time condiment.
And yet, we dog owners put up with it because for all the headache, nothing beats coming home to a wigglebutt tornado of unbridled joy, or having a furry friend to binge netflix with. Sure, they’re bizarre little gremlins – but dog owners wouldn’t have it any other way. Dog ownership is worth experiencing these 12 problems:
1. Constantly Being Covered in Dog Hair
At any given time, there’s a light sweater made of dog hair over your actual sweater. Your dog sheds so much, it’s like he’s trying to compete with your clothes for what can cover you better. And the dog hair always wins.
2. Going to Shake Someone’s Hand Only to Realize You’re Holding Poop
Dogs are spoiled, because they have their own personal human pooper scoopers following them around. There are worse jobs to have – unless you run into a friend while walking your dog only to realize you’re holding a freshly made bag of your dog’s still warm “creation.”
3. Talking About “The Babysitter” Then Having to Explain it’s for Your Dog
There’s nothing more embarrassing than talking about having to be home to relieve “the babysitter” when you’re out and about, only to explain you don’t actually have children, you just have a dog who’s somehow higher maintenance than an actual child.
4. Spending a Small Fortune
You could invest in owning a small island, or you could invest in a Golden Retriever, and they pretty much would cost the same amount of money. You might skip out on buying organic food for yourself, but your dog gets everything local, free range, gluten free, and made from scratch.
5. Not Getting the Same Unconditional Love from Humans
Life would be a lot better if people could greet you by being really excited, running around in circles, jumping up and down, and wagging their non-existent tails – even if you’ve only been away for five minutes.
6. Carrying Your Dog No Matter How Big He Is
It’s inevitable that your dog will decide he’s done with his walk by just laying down on the ground. Carrying your dog because he’s too lazy to walk is the best way to tone your biceps. The upside is you never have to do arm day at the gym. The downside, is you now you can’t go to the gym because you threw out your back.
7. Having to Lock Your Trash
It’s easier to get into Fort Knox than it is your trashcan, because for some reason, that’s where your dog thinks the good food is kept. Because for some reason, trash tastes better than his gourmet dog food. There are so many locks on your trash, only a genius could figure them out. Strangely, you can never open them, but your dog always can.
8. Habitually Spelling Out Words
Your dog understands the important English words, like walk and bath. So when you go to a restaurant, it’s just a habit to order the Orange C-H-I-C-K-E-N so you don’t excite your dog – even though he’s at home with the babysitter.
9. Overcrowding in Your Own Bed
Your dog may have a designated dog bed, but your bed is also their designated dog bed. Even if you have firm “no bed” boundaries with your dog, you end up getting kicked out (or squished) during the night, because your dog wants to starfish out.
10. Never Going to the Bathroom in Privacy
Your dog instinctively knows when you’re going to the bathroom, and then he makes it his business to check out you doing your business. Unfortunately, it’s hard to explain to him you don’t need a personal pooper scooper the way he does.
11. Knowing Your Dog is Better at Making Friends Than You Are
Your dog could run for president and win on popularity alone. As soon as he enters the room, he gets all the attention, while you have to remain the invisible human standing behind him. Even though you’re covered in your dog’s fur, nobody seems to think you’re as cute as he is!
12. Having to Sneak Out of Your House so Your Dog Doesn’t Get Jealous
And then feeling guilty you’re going somewhere without him. I’ve snuck out out of the house so many times so my dog doesn’t see me leave, and so I don’t have to see those sad eyes as I drive away. But mostly because my dog absolutely freaks out when I leave. Can somebody say Velcro Dog?
